Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
