Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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