I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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