He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
