If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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