I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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