Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
