i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
