By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
