wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
