I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
