Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
