He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
