STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
