yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
