The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
