two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
