I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
