If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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