She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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