So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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