You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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