woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
