If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she told me i tasted like america
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
