i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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