if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
