oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Randomize
