Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
