Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
