chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
