I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
