in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
