When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
