I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
