i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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