made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
