Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i now understand why vodka
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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