my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
