The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
