my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
