Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
