I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
