Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
