R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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