I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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