apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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