apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
