corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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