she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
A bitchslap is in order.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
