summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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