Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
