I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
